monday memory 4.17.06

The first year of my marriage was really grueling. Not because Chris and I were having any particularly dire marital problems. But, you see, Kajsa’s diagnosis came just a few short months after our wedding. So there was a lot of trying, and crying and (for lack of a better word) why’ing. We did everything in our power to beef the kid up before having her g-tube placed at 4 months We watched as her labs fluctuated wildly from day to day – which we knew the results of because we drew blood every single day. There was, in fact, one day when Kajsa was stuck 16 times, before I completely lost it and told them that if they couldn’t figure it out I was going to start doing it myself. And if you know how fearful I am of needles, you are aware of what a bold statement that truly is. Our family was separated for Christmas as I stayed at the PICU with Kajsa and Chris traveled back and forth from home with Maya. In fact, we spent Christmas day at the parent apartments across from the hospital as Kajsa lay fighting for life. A couple months later she was out of the hospital, but the prolonged illness had taken a predictable toll upon her kidneys. So we had the dialysis catheter placed and began PD nightly a few weeks later. During that year, I wandered through life as a zombie. I don’t remember much of it well. But I know that Chris and Maya were always there being supportive and helpful. After the dialysis started, things began to calm down a bit. And while I had a fairly strict routine, but it wasn’t enveloped in such a cloud of fear. …*~..~*… Imagine my surprise when, a week before our one year anniversary, Chris told me that we wouldn’t be able to go to our niece, Sarah’s birthday party that year. He further informed me that I should pack for an overnight trip. But he wouldn’t tell me where we were headed…just that it was a couple hours away. So I packed up the dialysis machine, feeding pump, scale, blood pressure machine, 15 different meds, renal formula, two boxes of dialysate, diapers, and toys. I also loaded a change of clothes and toothbrush for myself. And then we headed out. And what a beautiful drive it was. I’d been trying to imagine for three days, where we might be headed and had thought of everything from the San Juan Islands to one of the Portland Bed and Breweries. I simply had no idea just how well my husband knew me. We headed east and then north, meandering past giggling rivers full of icy spring melt. As we drove I began to think that I knew where we headed. You see there’s this little Bavarian town in the Cascade Mountains that I’d always wanted to visit, Leavenworth. It’s cheesy as all get out, but so am I, so I was quite taken with the idea.  Well, when we got to the room, there were chocolates, wine, a fireplace and a Jacuzzi. But we couldn’t stay because there was a horse and carriage waiting for us downstairs. We rode around Leavenworth for a while enjoying the scenery and the nice slow pace. Chris and I cuddled as Kajsa proclaimed “Horsy!” many, many times.  We later strolled along the main street and had dinner in one of the German pubs. The next day was more of the same…perfect! It was a laid back and very much needed couple of days. I’ll never forget it. We don’t get to do this kind of stuff very often. But whenever things get really challenging in our life, I look back on that time and think about how good it is when it isn’t being so hard. I think about how much I love my husband, and how much he loves me back…even when times are tough. Wednesday will be our third wedding anniversary. For such a short time, it sure has been intense. I can think of no one I’d rather face life’s challenges with. Happy Anniversary, Chris. (And yes, I’d do it all again.)