had a wife and couldn’t keep her…



What is that noise?

That is the question I have had to ask myself quite a bit
lately. You see, my life is full of random,
yet important beeps. Kajsa is the
primary reason for most of these unusual noises. All of her machines beep when you turn them
on. They beep when you turn them
off. They beep if there is an occluded
line, or if she simply turns her body to a position that doesn’t allow for
efficient fills and drains. I sleep
fitfully at best most nights, waiting for some tiny crisis to occur. I am the night nurse. Fortunately, all machines beep on a slightly
different frequency, so I’ve gotten to the point where I can fix any alarm without ever
fully awakening.

This computer is another source of random noises. Since we live waaay out in the desert on top
of a mountain, there isn’t even a glimmer of hope that we will soon be zooming
through cyber-space on a high speed connection. Therefore, I frequently enjoy the lovely sound of my computer
dialing-up.  I then need to know when
another actual living, breathing human being is trying to contact me by way of
this antiquated device they call a telephone. So I use CallWave. Whenever
somebody calls me, my computer does what everything in my life does. It beeps. I then can choose whether or not to answer the phone. It’s pretty handy…as far as day to day
alarms go.

I have my email set up to chime, too. At any time I could hear trio of poorly
combined notes, and then look down just in time to see that I have been approved
(to apply) for a Capital One card, or a new home equity loan.

Lately, Maya’s become a prolific instant messenger. I always know when her friends are skipping
school or simply bored. I can be sitting
here trying to compose some thoughtful and witty blog entry (and we all know
how that can be), when suddenly my interaction is being summoned by “I am the
most annoying person ever
” or “And I’ve bundled up all these fears inside, and
I’ve bottled up all of this pain. And no
one or nothing can take it away.
” At
least her friends aren’t dramatic. I
have often been scoffed at when I tell them to go to bed because it’s midnight  on a school night. Of all the noises in my life, these teen-age
girls are by far the hardest to shut off. 

But so far, all the noises have been logical. Medical equipment, email programs, even IMing
flibbertigibbets. So when I heard a new
noise yesterday I became, well, alarmed. It sounded like eeehh eeehh clickclick… eeehh eeehh clickclick – and
it was coming from the kitchen. Nothing
in there beeps. (Well, maybe the
microwave when I actually use the dusty old thing.) Scanning the counter I noticed a blinking red
light.  Yikes!  All my time in the hospital has set my entire
system up for a basic Pavlovian response to blinking red lights. I pounced. And then I realized…this is my coffee maker!?!  I
stood there looking at the light blink for a moment (All the while listening to
the strange eeehh eeehh clickclick…eeehh eeehh clickclick noise) before I thought
to unplug the machine. 

This has definitely never happened to me before. It is a simple machine. You add coffee and water, then press the go
button. It has a timed start function,
but has never in six years made any sort of a sound. Nor has it blinked. It was a simple blink. No SOS signal for help. Perhaps it is dying and wanted to say goodbye
before it passed. I don’t know. It’s always been one of the items that I
don’t have to worry about. Just feed and
wash it regularly, and make sure it has enough water. Kind of like the dog.

So I have begun to search for a new coffee maker. I’m torn as to what style to get. I love the simplicity of a French Press. But, the coffee always tastes like you made
it in a fire pit. And let’s face it,
that only tastes good when you’re camping. So I started looking around for some fancy new machines. I found products that grind your beans.  I even
found some that roast the darn things. But I set a tight budget when replacing things, so I quickly realized
that I would need to tone it down a bit. Still, it would be fun to get a new unit with some of the bells and whistles. ‘Cause, you know, I
could use a new sound – or two.

Stanger than Fiction?

Atwoods_taleAs seen on Ariel Gore’s site.


New law will require marriage as a legal
condition of motherhood

By Laura McPhee

Republican lawmakers are drafting new
legislation that will make marriage a requirement for motherhood in the state
of Indiana, including specific criminal penalties for unmarried women who do
become pregnant "by means other than sexual intercourse."

According to a draft of the recommended
change in state law, every woman in Indiana seeking to become a mother through
assisted reproduction therapy such as in vitro fertilization, sperm donation,
and egg donation, must first file for a "petition for parentage" in
their local county probate court.

Only women who are married will be
considered for the "gestational certificate" that must be presented
to any doctor who facilitates the pregnancy. Further, the "gestational
certificate" will only be given to married couples that successfully
complete the same screening process currently required by law of adoptive

As it the draft of the new law reads
now, an intended parent "who knowingly or willingly participates in an
artificial reproduction procedure" without court approval, "commits
unauthorized reproduction, a Class B misdemeanor." The criminal charges
will be the same for physicians who commit "unauthorized practice of
artificial reproduction."

The change in Indiana law to require
marriage as a condition for motherhood and criminalizing "unauthorized
reproduction" was introduced at a summer meeting of the Indiana General
Assembly’s Health Finance Commission on September 29 and a final version of the
bill will come up for a vote at the next meeting at the end of this month.

Republican Senator Patricia Miller is
both the Health Finance Commission Chair and the sponsor of the bill. She
believes the new law will protect children in the state of
and make parenting laws more explicit.

According to Sen. Miller, the laws
prohibiting surrogacy in the state of
are currently too vague and unenforceable, and that is the purpose of the new

"But it’s not just surrogacy,"
Miller told NUVO. "The law is vague on all types of extraordinary types of
infertility treatment, and we wanted to address that as well."

"Ordinary treatment would be the
mother’s egg and the father’s sperm. But now there are a lot of extraordinary
things that raise issues of who has legal rights as parents," she
explained when asked what she considers "extraordinary" infertility

Sen. Miller believes the requirement of
marriage for parenting is for the benefit of the children that result from
infertility treatments.

"We did want to address the issue
of whether or not the law should allow single people to be parents. Studies
have shown that a child raised by both parents–a mother and a father–do
better. So, we do want to have laws that protect the children," she

When asked specifically if she believes
marriage should be a requirement for motherhood, and if that is part of the
bill’s intention, Sen. Miller responded, "Yes. Yes, I do."



I don’t know if
you remember, but a while ago I was talking about a friend of mine, Yvonne, and
our time spent together while she dealt with chemo and radiation
therapies. She was the one who hoped
that her hair would grow back in bouncy red curls. I spoke of how I’d lost touch with her and
hoped that she was doing well.

Tonight I found
Yvonne’s obituary while looking for another old friend. She was already gone by the time I wrote
that post. I sure wish I’d found her
sooner. I wish I’d made more of an

Of course this
got me thinking…It made me think about all the people I’ve lost touch with;
and all the reasons why. Some were from
real or imagined differences. Some I
drifted from via a lack of geographic convenience. Others, I felt like they might be
disappointed in my life in some way, so why bother.

I think a
combination of these may have been part of the cause for my distance from
Yvonne. You see, Yvonne and I knew each
other for several years before she was diagnosed. We taught together at Ashmead College of Massage
. We shared an office at a fantastic studio where we enjoyed learning from
one another’s experiences, both professionally and in the more general aspects
of our lives.

She went on to
study Feldenkrais when I wanted to.  I
always said that someday I’d take the workshops too. And then we could share in this, as
well. She was happy for me when I
changed my mind and decided that I wanted to go back to school for midwifery.
She wanted me to be her doula if she ever had a baby.

Years later, when
my business began to go under, I withdrew from a lot of my friends I’d made
through the massage community. It was
embarrassing for me to admit failure. I
thought I’d be able to reestablish contact after I’d gotten my feet on the
ground. (I’m still working on

Then I became
pregnant with Kajsa. How could I call my
friend who’d always wanted children, and was now sterile due to cancer, to tell
her that I was expecting a blessed surprise some time in the spring?

Time passed and
the thought of picking up the phone became more and more awkward. So I didn’t do it. I simply didn’t do it.

And I wish so
badly that I had. I am always going to
miss Yvonne. And it’s my own fault that
I never got to tell her so. I could have
tried harder. But I thought I had plenty
of time.

This makes me
so sad. But what saddens me further is
that I don’t know anyone who hasn’t had a personal experience with cancer or
some other long term illness. Whether
its family or friend, you know when you love them. And if you don’t tell them, you might not get

So please pick
up the phone, write a letter, a postcard, or an email. Find some way to honor your loved ones. Let them know how much you care and that they
matter in your life.




Thank you, Patti


As seen on Running2Ks site. Another Meme…

1. What is your occupation? Mama, Online Shopkeeper, Massage Therapist,
What color is your underwear right now?  Orange 
with hot pink stars ala Fred Meyer

What are you listening to right now? Kajsa telling us a story about a horsy
as she prances it across the floor.
What was the last thing you ate? An artichoke heart!
Do you wish on stars? Don’t you?
If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Burnt Sienna
How is the weather right now? Cold cloudless night
Last person you spoke to on the phone? Kajsa’s Dialysis Nurse, Joanne
How old are you today? 35
Favorite drink? alcoholic? beer. – otherwise: Emperor’s Choice tea by
Celestial Seasonings over ice
Favorite sport to watch? Anything with children running willy-nilly in
Have you ever dyed your hair? Yes
Do you wear contacts or glasses? Glasses, when I can find them.
Pets?  Thor – the bog ole dog, Kingsford – the Oscar, Zisou –
the Jack Dempsey, Leopold – the Plachostymous, October – the Beta, Pagan – the goat
Favorite month? April
Favorite food? Palak Paneer
What was the last movie you watched? Sea Biscuit (for the first time)
Favorite Day of Year? Winter Solstice
What do you do to vent anger? Yell or eat
What was your favorite toy as a child? not a toy–books
Fall or Spring? Spring
Hugs or kisses? Hugs
Cherry or Blueberry? Cherry
Living arrangements? Converted chicken coop.
When was the last time you cried? Day before yesterday.
What is on the floor of your closet? Dialysate boxes and suitcases.
Who is the friend you have had the longest? Gem
What did you do last night? Caught up on my blog reading and
commenting. It had been a while since I
had time to just sit and peruse. I also made
a scrumptious meal, did a bunch of dishes and danced in the kitchen to Kate
Bush and flickering candlelight.
Favorite smell? Rain on the sidewalk when it’s been dry for a really long
What or who inspires you? My
children, nature
What are you afraid of? People who
honestly feel that selfishness is both noble and honorable
Plain, cheese or spicy burgers? Never plain. The more yummy stuff the better
Favorite car? Pius!!!
Favorite dog breed? Golden Rot…but only if it can be an exact clone of
Number of keys on your key ring? 5 But I don’t know what 2 of them are for.
How many states have you lived in? Ten if you count Arizona twice.

Thankful Thursday 10-27


Every week
Running2Ks has a post called Thankful Thursday.
In the past, I’ve tried to remember to do this. I am; however, a little bit better at the
moment by moment gratitude. (That whole
wanna-be Zen thing.) I do think, though,
that it is well worthwhile to look back over the week and think about all the
blessings for which I am grateful.

So here we

This week I am
thankful that Maya has done so well in school, that she has been invited into a
select club, which has its own privileges. Among them are getting out of school five minutes early on Fridays, and
discounts at some restaurants, as well as, the local bowling alley. Chris calls it her secret club and teases her
about running the world – ala the Illuminati. (Encouraging, eh?)

As an addendum,
I am grateful that this will provide increased desire to continue her
scholastic excellence.

I am thankful
that Lynne found a house and was able to pack and move her entire household
within 12 days of spying her new home. It was also a great blessing for Chris to be able to go up to
Seattle to help his mother, and to say a
farewell to his boyhood home.

I am thankful
that I found a special something to do with Lynne when she comes to visit for
Thanksgiving. I’d tell you what it is, but
she pops over here to read sometimes. So
you’ll all just have to be patient.

I am immensely thankful
that there are no more pre-transplant tests for Kajsa. It has been challenging for all of us. Now it is out of our hands, which is in its
own strange way comforting.

And finally, I
wanted to extend a big thank you to all of you who have come by in the past
week to extend your well wishes. They
are not only welcome, but truly uplifting. I know that many of you found your way over via Running2Ks blog. Isn’t she great? What a kind thing for her to do. Thank you, too, Lady. Bless you and yours.