So have I mentioned that I really,
really, really hate having a kid who is sick all the friggin’ time? And I’m not even talking about her pain, her
suffering. I’m talking about the impact
that it has on my whole life. The fact
that my husband and I argue about all sorts of stupid trivial stuff. Things like, say, what our relatives are
allowed to give our kids for Christmas.

We have incredibly stupid arguments along
the lines of…“You’re not who I fell in love with.” , Where does all the money
go?” and this great one, “You need to go out and do things, so that you won’t
be so lonely, but remember that it has to be cheap.”

I hate it that medical necessity has put
us so far into debt that we repeatedly need to borrow money from others. I further hate it that because of this…if we ever
do have two pennies to rub together; such a blessed event is inevitably accompanied by feelings
of guilt and fear.

I hate it that although my husband is
working and going to school, I cannot believe that this will ever pan out to be
anything beneficial in our lives, because, damnit, I can no longer bring myself
to believe that things will not fall
apart given the first possible strong wind.

And, yes, I know that is so selfish
of me. I know that I am an absolute
beast for being this self absorbed, and that this insipid, whiney post doesn’t portray me as
anything like the patron saint of patient nurse-mommies, but sometimes…no
often times, that outward portrayal of myself just makes me want to vomit.

And I’m sorry. I’m sorry if I have led anyone to believe
differently. Some days I simply can’t be
that woman. Some days I am just the girl
who misses running around the corner to the pub to have a beer and play a mindless
game of pool. Or who simply wants to do
ANYTHING spontaneous.

I’m sorry to vent. I try to keep this from being one of THOSE
blogs. But today just felt really
crappy. And since I am out here with
absolutely no freakin’ emotional support system…
you – the great big ole
blogoshere – get to read it. If, that
is, you are still reading. Were I you,
I’d have closed the page before the end of the first paragraph.


12 thoughts on “Scream

  1. Rowan, my friend, anything you want to vent is allowed because this IS your space and your blog and your home. I am so sorry. I can’t even imagine having one-tenth of your daily strength–to go through what you do each and every day.

    I admire you, and I am so sorry that it falls apart. But it happens. I hope that you can feel free to vent/moan/cry–whatever you need to do here. I am listening. If you want to talk on the phone, I am here.

    I pray for you, and I think of you.

  2. You know something? I have always thought you are a pretty rad lady. I’ve always admired who you are–I think it’s awesome what you add to my…your…our family. Seriously, because it’s not often to meet someone who lays things out, lovingly and truthfully.

    Kristin sometimes tells me what she is going through in a bad celiac bout and I always say, “I’m so sorry, love.” and she asks, “For what?” “I’m just sorry that you are going through this. I hate that there is nothing I can do to make it better, I don’t even *know* what all there is to make better, and I am sorry.

    So I wanted to say that, “I’m sorry.” because I love you and your family, I wish there was a way to really understand and communicate these hardships, and a way to make it better.

  3. I didn’t think you were being petty or self-absorbed at all. What you wrote are your feelings and even if you don’t feel that way at all the time; those feelings are valid.

    Much better to vent than to bottle your thoughts up. I am sorry that you are having a rough time. I cannot even imagine the emotional toll that the illness takes on your life and marriage. I find you to be an amazingly strong woman, whom I truly admire.

    I sincerely hope that tomorrow is a better day for you.

  4. Rowan, I think you are one of the bravest, strongest people I know. Everyone knows that you adore Kajsa. No one out here in blog land would ever doubt that you had feelings just like you vented. Some of us would have been consumed by them and been unable to ever function in the way you have. What you said today just makes us all love you more. I had already heard about this argument from the mamasan. I can truly see how Chris must feel and understand his response. I’m sure he feels helpless and impotent and at times hopeless just like you. You are living through a truly hard period now – I can’t even imagine how hard. We think about you all all the time. I know this sounds trite, but things will get better.

  5. Let’s be realistic – you wouldn’t be human if this didn’t create a strain on your life. I often read blogs like yours, and wonder, with awe, “how do they ever survive?” Whine all you want – I think you are still a pillar of strength for your family and your child and I can’t imagine what I would do if I was in your place. And if there’s anyway the internet world can help you, please please let us know.

  6. Oh Geez!
    I put on all this weird make-up stuff to try to hide my post-big-cry eyes from the world and you all have me smearing it all over my face.
    Well, I’ll go fix it before I wander off for Kajsa’s P.T. appointment.
    Thanks for the support, guys. I half expected that I’d get on here today to find that everyone had either ignored my rant or told me to buck up.
    It feels nice to know that I can be (non-super) human. I sometimes forget that.
    Again, thanks.

  7. i just wanted to add that i really admire you as well. i think you’re an incredible woman and mom and i admire that you let your true feelings (at the moment) come out.
    it’s ok to have a breakdown. it’s ok to feel selfish. it’s ok to be human.
    many hugs to you. feel free to vent or lean on us whenever you need to. 🙂

  8. Hey, buck up!! Ha, just kidding you Rowan. Blogs are here for you to vent. Trust me, I know. You have a knack for being very positive in an often negative world. You can’t keep it up forever, though, and that just proves you are human. I was beginning to wonder. 🙂

    Love, Dave

  9. Amy:
    I’ll add you to the list of major thank yous. I am so glad that no one out there seems to be as hard on me as I am on myself.

    Human? Darn, I’ve been found out.
    Thanks for the support.
    It’s nice to know that a relative of Chris’ can be so understanding…even when I’m being a gripey, whiney, addition to it.

  10. Hey Rowan,
    This is my first time to come to your site. I can totally appreciate your need to rant.
    Just try to take care of yourself.
    I can relate to some of what you’re going through. Being in debt and having to borrow from others is not fun. This is something that I and my hubby have had to do a lot lately. Times are hard.
    Just like you, I am harder on myself than anyone else ever thought about being.
    I don’t know you, but know there’s probably a light at the end of this dark tunnel, no matter how small.
    I appreciate your honesty.
    Hope you have a good week.

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