Nice Lice Advice

The other day, someone I know, brought up the fact that their children had recently obtained (gasp choke) lice. Having had the pleasure of such lovely visitors, myself, I thought I’d dispense with some unsolicited maternal wisdom.

So, here in it’s unaltered state is my advice:

“O.K. So we had lice a couple of gazillion times during Maya’s kindergarten year. It’s a gross gross thing that makes you feel disgusting, but NEVER FEAR. The best remedy is at hand. Trust me I know first hand what works and what does not.

Firstly, quarantine all pillows, animals etc. just like you’ve done. Next, take that neurotoxin and throw it in the garbage and say good-bye. Now for the weird part. Go to Costco, Sam’s or wherever you can get a big ole tub of high fat mayonaise (all this means is that it is not low-fat). Miracle whip will not- ahem- cut the mustard.

Now right before bed, get the girls (and anyone else who is infested) into their P.J.’s and sit them down on the toilet or some other place with an easy to clean floor. Take the mayo and smear it into their hair. Apply super liberally (as though you were dying their hair with the stuff.) Squish it, squash it, and don’t miss any spots!!! Now get a plastic grocery bag and tie it around their lovely noggins. I use two as it seems to provide more coverage. I suppose you could use a shower cap, but I don’t have any of those lying around my house. Send them off to bed for the night to sleep in their beautiful makeshift hats.

Now don’t be alarmed…warm mayonaise smells, well, icky. But the human nose has a great capacity for adaptation. In other words, you’ll get used to it. In the morning, simply have them take a shower and wash their hair. It will be silky, shiny and critter free.

Now for the basic science of it. The goopy mayo suffocates the adult lice while the fat in the stuff disolves the egg cases. If you have treated your linens and clothes thoroughly enough, you should not have a reinfestation. I never have.

With the leftover mayo you could always have a traditional Texas style barbeque. You know, potato salad, deviled eggs, cole slaw…or not.” Posted by Hello


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